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An Open letter to my Future Nanny

I have had a lot of interesting experiences with nannies in the past. I have heard different tales of people’s encounters with nannies – the good, the bad and the ugly. However, I strongly believe that it is possible to have a really pleasant experience with these wonderful people who have chosen this special vocation to provide the very needed help tailored towards their chosen family. It is in this light that I write this open letter to my future nanny/nannies.

Dear Future Nanny,

Trust all is well with you. If so, doxology.
I just want to write this letter to you to avoid and prevent any strain in our precious relationship.
For starters, I am a very nice person and everyone that knows me have a consensus of a word that describes me – Easy going.
So basically I am trying to say I am the most awesome person you will ever work with.
To be honest , I have not been too lucky with nannies in the past. In all, I have had two live-in Nannies, one live-out nanny and two baby sitters. The babysitters were okay, they did their job and it was ok. However, it was the nannies I had slight issues with.
How do I begin?
I want you to know that you are the one I have been waiting for,
I know you are somewhere out there and somehow by some stroke of luck our paths will cross,
I know you exist – perfect and unflawed.
However a few things worth noting though;
You will be most welcome in this place, with liberty to feel free and make yourself comfortable,
However, understand that there are boundaries and personal space exist for a reason,
To avoid territorial clashes and avoidable conflicts which I have no energy reserves for.
Think about it, I am in residency.
Let us treat each other with mutual respect.
Try to follow instructions I have laid out, but I am open to suggestions.
Also, I am open to constructive criticism.
Otherwise, I want you to do your job and stay within the confines of your stipulated assignment and give your best to it.
The fact that I opened my home and heart to you is not a license for it to be trampled on.
I may be the ‘boss’ on paper but I”d rather we are friends.
A few warnings though;
My husband is not your jurisdiction for any reason,
The way I run my home is not subject to your scrutiny,
Please do not try to force-feed my child (true life story),
Please, do not attempt to ‘back stab’ me by dissipating wrong facts to people,
They will obviously know who is lying,
Please do not believe I am a messiah with a ministry to solve all your problems, I have mine but will do all that is within my means to make you comfortable.
If peradventure you have to leave, kindly give a reasonable notice, it is the least you can do, plus it is only fair except of course, if it is a matter of life and death.
Please let us treat each other with mutual respect
There will be times I will not feel like talking to you or anyone at all, please don’t take it personal.
My life gets very busy and that’s why you are here, to help.
I want you to remember that whatever you sow you will reap. Since all you will sow would be goodness. We shouldn’t have a problem.

Till our paths cross.

Kind regards,
Funmi.

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I think I should go Vegetarian !

This presupposition is based on three experiences I have had in the last couple of months. Starting with the most recent. Yesterday I was driving home from my children’s pre-school. I picked them up and we were on our way home. Half-way through the drive to my house, I saw a dead deer by the road side. Someone had hit and killed that deer. The blood oozing out was still fresh, so I figured the incident happened recently. I suddenly experienced chills all over my body. To be honest, my eyes even watered a bit. Why did that have so much impact on me? Already I have stopped eating red meat. I only buy occasionally for my children because it is a good source of iron.

Here I was, badly shaken and feeling so bad for the poor deer, when I know that someone else would be so ecstatic about the idea of free game meat and all the delicacies they can cook with it. Back in my home country, it is called “bush meat” and very expensive.

The second incident was when we took a trip to a place where we could buy live chicken, have it killed, cleaned and prepped and all. I remember walking into the store where they had different animals waiting to be picked out and killed to be eaten. I saw hens, ducks, pigeons(for the love of Mike, people eat that too!) , guinea fowls, rabbits, goats, sheep, calf, fresh eggs. It was so overwhelming for me. Too much for my kind heart to fathom. Some of the birds were in cages, some were free-ranging. It was a perfect chaos and I kept feeling guilty for being in a place like that. I saw some cute little bunnies in a box. They were the cutest rabbits ever. That day, I knew somewhere in the future I was getting my children a bunny. Even as a man attended to us, while we purchased a couple of live chickens, through the weighing process, the preparation and actually paying for the freshly killed chickens, I couldn’t bring myself to shake off the enormous guilt that overcame me.

The third incident was when for the first time in my life I visited an abattoir. This was on a huge farm where there were various animals including cow, sheep and goat. We wanted some cow meat (which we thought we would find someone we could share a whole cow with) and some goat meat for husband( I don’t eat goat meat). Eventually we we left empty-handed that day because apparently people got there way earlier and had to wait in line till a certain time. In short, we arrived too late to have anyone attend to us. However, I left that placed traumatized because I saw intestines of killed animals, I could perceive the smell of burning animal skin and it was so horrifying for me. That day, I knew I would have to consider going meatless somewhere in my nearest future. I peeked into the room where they actually killed the animals and allowed the blood drain and I almost fainted. In that moment the nausea I developed was instantaneous. The closest thing I have ever killed in my life was a cockroach. I have never attempted to and never will, kill a chicken.

I love chicken but I hate having them killed, which makes me a “righteous hypocrite”. I am in a dilemma. Perhaps the solution is to just go pescatarian . I like eating fish.

Ultimately, should I just consider plant-based meals and embrace veganism?

Maybe I don’t know precisely what I will do eventually, at this time, but I know I have broken up with meat and that is a good place to start.

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Queen of Multitasking

Multitasking entails dealing with more than one task at the same time. It involves assuming different roles simultaneously. In my opinion, moms are supposed to win an award for being so adept in the art of juggling different roles without any aspect suffering a deficiency. I understand that there are times when you have to do things with full focus, totally engaging your pre-frontal cortex( part of the brain that helps with paying attention). However, to survive in this motherly role, there is a need to engage in this ‘aggregate exercise’ regularly.

Let me give you a sneak peek into the sequence of my typical morning to help put multitasking into perspective.
Fast-forward beyond the waking up routine, the bathroom ritual to breakfast time. Having prepared child A’s breakfast of cornflakes and child B’s breakfast of golden-morn cereal. Yes, each child had requested different types of cereal. So much so for having assertive toddlers. I sat them in their chairs hoping the process would go on smoothly without any technical hitch.
I did put a spoonful of cereal in child A’s mouth and another in child B’s mouth.
Yes, for security reasons, I had to practically spoon-feed both of them, otherwise we would have had to change two set of clothes for two toddlers. That wouldn’t have made mommy very happy. Plus, I know your thoughts; ” Why don’t you just put bibs around their necks?” No, they wouldn’t let me put bibs on their necks as they believe they are “big kids” at age two and three years respectively.
Then I put baby oil on child A’s head and combed his hair.
I put a spoonful of food in his mouth.
I put a spoonful in child B’s mouth.
I put some hair cream on child B’s hair.
I put a spoonful each in both children’s mouths in quick succession.
Then I brushed child B’s hair.
I put a spoonful in each kid’s mouth again.
Then I put a bow on child B’s hair.
I put another spoonful in each mouth, then I went to fetch the shoes.
I put shoes on child A’s feet and a spoonful in his mouth.
Then, I put shoes on child B’s feet and a spoonful of cereal in her mouth.
Then I went to grab the jackets.
I put blue jacket on child A and a spoonful of cereal in his mouth.
I put the pink jacket on child B and a spoonful of cereal in her mouth.
By the time I was done with that process, I had two fully fed and thoroughly groomed kids. Plus a happy mum.
Total time spent: 10 minutes.

For the record, child A is a picky eater.
What better picture for multitasking do you need?
Mothers are geniuses.
They are amazing.
They freaking rock!
Ask the daddies to do it, they need at least 1 hour, and I am not kidding!

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The “Luxurious” Mommy life

Sometimes I get so upset. Usually, I have my reasons but occasionally it is just baseless…lol. However, today I got so upset because I had my whole day mentally planned out, yet things chose not to go the way I had planned.

I picked out the children’s cloth the last night, meticulously ironed them and get them ready for this morning. While trying to dress my daughter up and a zipper came off her top thereby ruining it, so I had to think of plan B immediately, which was to pick out another attire altogether. I was still silently sucking at this happening when my son insisted on doing his own buttons so that is extra 10 minutes added to my morning kids-school-prep time. I finally got them ready and was about to set out when my 21 month old daughter said what every mother does not want to hear when you are running late on a Monday morning : “ I poo-poo mommy”!

“Seriously? You have got to be kidding me” I said as I tried to maintain my composure, so she doesn’t feel embarrassed because she is a very sensitive little girl. I calmly tell myself ” Hey Funmi, come off it, things happen in life”. Shit happens! Actually, poop happens literally. So I carefully examined the havoc done to the nappy. It was explosive and humongous. I prayed hard under my breathe to God. I said “ Lord, help me!” Indeed He did, because I succeeded in clearing the mess, washed her up with soap and water, dried her up and got a new nappy and new pair of socks. We finally set out for the day.

My luxurious mommy life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world.

P:S : This incident happened when my daughter was 21 months old, now she is 31 months old.